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When you are starting, growing, and maintaining a kindred or tribe, it is inevitable that there will be growing pains. Problems to deal with. Situations you did not anticipate. People who end up disappointing you. It is absolutely inevitable, because that is the way of the world. Life is a challenge. Anything worth doing is a challenge.
It is not healthy to panic everytime something goes wrong. It is not an effective strategy for facing down challenges. So, prepare yourself and the people involved with you in your kindred-building effort to the fact that there will be some growing pains, some problems, and that some of the people involved in your effort may fall short of expectations. These challenges are part of the process, and as you face them and come through them successfully, ultimately they make your group stronger.
In Jotun's Bane Kindred, we look to the massive oak tree that we take our oaths beneath..the “Old Man,” Forn Halr, for an example. He is a thick and powerful oak, and its impossible to stand beneath his outstretched limbs without respecting and acknowledging his strength and endurance. He has outlasted all the old trees around him. He had survived a 1000 storms. But this was not without some pain and loss on his part. He wears the scars of his battles. In places he is gnarled...places where limbs have been lost...and he bears the evidence of his years of living and surviving.
GROWING PAINS
First, when you are starting something new...building something new...there will be growing pains. I would define these circumstances as situations that you, another individual in your group, or the group as a whole has never encountered before. When building a kindred you are breaking new ground. Nevermind that there are other kindreds or tribes already in existance. Each tribe is different, with different challenges, different personalities, and different traditions to develop. So of course there will be growing pains.
Learn to look at growing pains as opportunities. Each one that you overcome, represents growth. Talk about it within your group in this way. When a problem develops within the group, the measure of that group and its leadership is not the fact there is a problem. The measure of that group and its leadership is how it deals with the problem. The strategy it uses. The answer it comes up with to the problem. How well it deals with and solves the problem.
Did you identify the problem quickly or let it languish? Did you face the problem head-on and fix it, or try to dodge it in some passive-aggressive fashion? Did the group come together, and solve the problem as a group or was there constant bickering or politics involved? Was the solution to the problems effective and lasting, or just a bandaid irresponsibly slapped over a festering wound? Is the solution to the problem, something the group as a whole is happy with? All of these questions are important to consider...and much more important that fretting over the fact there was a problem in the first place. Of course there was a problem...there will always be problems. The real question is always, how was the problem addressed.
THE ONLY OATH YOU CAN KEEP IS YOUR OWN
Besides growing pains, you will have people within the group that will disappoint you and the group. I'm not talking about the small disappointments (i.e. late paying their dues, missed an event, not working hard, etc.) that people bring to a group. Address and deal with the small disappointments directly. Talk about them, work on them, and strive for solutions that cause these small disapointments to happen less frequently, if at all. What I'm actually talking about here, are the big disappointments. The failure to maintain or fulfill a kindred oath.
When we start an oathed kindred, or a kindred with a clearly defined membership, we make commitments to one another. And these oaths and commitments are at the heart of what makes a kindred strong and viable as a group. You can count on the other members to stick together, work hard together, and accomplish collective goals as a tribe. These oaths also represent a commitment to advance each other individually, and to advance the group forward. In a perfect world no oath will be broken. We'd like to think that everyone we oath to, will keep their oath to us with the same determination that we keep our own oaths to them.
But this isn't a perfect world, and you can't control whether another person keeps his/her oaths. You can't force them to keep their oaths. You can't make them be someone they aren't. And no matter how hard you work to get to know someone, and make sure they are a person willing and able to faithfully keep their kindred oath...its impossible to really know. (Look at the divorce rate, if you need an example of how hard it is to know if another person will keep their oath).
The only thing we truly control is our own oath. We make our oath, we mean our oath, and we live up to that oath. That's what we control, and that's what's important to focus on. The world is not perfect, and people will disappoint us. When they do, react in a wise and prudent way, and protect yourself and your group from their inability to keep and fulfill their oath.
RECIPROCITY OF OATHS
A kindred oath is a reciprocal oath. Those taking the oath are committing to the group, and to the individual members of that group. Its important to understand that this establishes a web-of-oaths. And these oaths are not one-sided affairs. They are reciprocal in nature.
So, if an oathed member of a kindred is acting in a way that hurts the kindred, and all efforts have been made to address this behavior and correct it...and the oathed member continues to hurt the group, then steps must be taken to protect the group. Cut your losses. Either release the kindred oath...wipe it away as something that was not being kept in a reciprocal fashion, or if appropriate to the situation, declare the oathed member as an oath-breaker. But, the group itself...the kindred...the tribe...it must be protected from those that would hurt it through their own selfish actions.
Releasing an oath in this manner is a last resort, and every effort should be made to maintain the oath...reinforce the oath...and make it clear to the oathed member exactly what they are doing to jeopardize their kindred oath. But its important for the leadership of a tribe, to compartmentalize this problem as it develops.
For instance, if a member of a kindred is not showing up for things, failing in many of their obligations, and they are making risking decisions that are threatening their marriage, and about to bring a full-blown divorce into the midst of a kindred...this is a problem. You don't entrust important duties within the kindred to this problem-member. You don't assign them important responsibilities at a big event your kindred is hosting. You don't expose the soft-underbelly of the kindred to this problem-member. You do what you need to compartmentalize the potential damage this problem-member might to do to the kindred, until such time as that problem has been fixed. Or until they have behaved so badly, that their oath must be released.
This is a complex issue, and we all hope to not go through it at all...or at the very least, not very often. But it happens. Though you are oathed to someone, if someone is not being reciprocal in their oath...and are not holding up their end of the bargain, there comes a time when the tribe is no longer obligated to maintain their end of the bargain. When that time comes, release the oath and cut ties. Remove tribal obligations to the member who will not fulfill their own obligations to the tribe, and its members.
WHY WRITE THIS ESSAY?
One of Jotun's Bane Kindred's growing pains, was working through what you should do when a member breaks their oath to the kindred. Working through what to do when someone cannot or will not fulfill their obligation to our tribe. It was difficult trying to balance holding to our own oaths, while protecting our kindred from the problem-member's actions and decisions. And when we first encountered this, we weren't sure how the whole situation reflected on us as a group. So this was an essay written specifically for this collection of essays.
The bottom line is this. All kindreds and tribes will face growing pains, disappointments, and perhaps drama now and again. The measure of a strong and stable kindred is not the complete lack of these problems. I believe that to be impossible. The measure of a strong and stable kindred is how they deal with these inevitable problems. How they solve them. How they protect their tribe. How they learn from the problems. How they continue to grow and advance. That is the measure of a tribe.
Mark Stinson
Jotun's Bane Kindred
Kansas City Area
heathengods.com
It is not healthy to panic everytime something goes wrong. It is not an effective strategy for facing down challenges. So, prepare yourself and the people involved with you in your kindred-building effort to the fact that there will be some growing pains, some problems, and that some of the people involved in your effort may fall short of expectations. These challenges are part of the process, and as you face them and come through them successfully, ultimately they make your group stronger.
In Jotun's Bane Kindred, we look to the massive oak tree that we take our oaths beneath..the “Old Man,” Forn Halr, for an example. He is a thick and powerful oak, and its impossible to stand beneath his outstretched limbs without respecting and acknowledging his strength and endurance. He has outlasted all the old trees around him. He had survived a 1000 storms. But this was not without some pain and loss on his part. He wears the scars of his battles. In places he is gnarled...places where limbs have been lost...and he bears the evidence of his years of living and surviving.
GROWING PAINS
First, when you are starting something new...building something new...there will be growing pains. I would define these circumstances as situations that you, another individual in your group, or the group as a whole has never encountered before. When building a kindred you are breaking new ground. Nevermind that there are other kindreds or tribes already in existance. Each tribe is different, with different challenges, different personalities, and different traditions to develop. So of course there will be growing pains.
Learn to look at growing pains as opportunities. Each one that you overcome, represents growth. Talk about it within your group in this way. When a problem develops within the group, the measure of that group and its leadership is not the fact there is a problem. The measure of that group and its leadership is how it deals with the problem. The strategy it uses. The answer it comes up with to the problem. How well it deals with and solves the problem.
Did you identify the problem quickly or let it languish? Did you face the problem head-on and fix it, or try to dodge it in some passive-aggressive fashion? Did the group come together, and solve the problem as a group or was there constant bickering or politics involved? Was the solution to the problems effective and lasting, or just a bandaid irresponsibly slapped over a festering wound? Is the solution to the problem, something the group as a whole is happy with? All of these questions are important to consider...and much more important that fretting over the fact there was a problem in the first place. Of course there was a problem...there will always be problems. The real question is always, how was the problem addressed.
THE ONLY OATH YOU CAN KEEP IS YOUR OWN
Besides growing pains, you will have people within the group that will disappoint you and the group. I'm not talking about the small disappointments (i.e. late paying their dues, missed an event, not working hard, etc.) that people bring to a group. Address and deal with the small disappointments directly. Talk about them, work on them, and strive for solutions that cause these small disapointments to happen less frequently, if at all. What I'm actually talking about here, are the big disappointments. The failure to maintain or fulfill a kindred oath.
When we start an oathed kindred, or a kindred with a clearly defined membership, we make commitments to one another. And these oaths and commitments are at the heart of what makes a kindred strong and viable as a group. You can count on the other members to stick together, work hard together, and accomplish collective goals as a tribe. These oaths also represent a commitment to advance each other individually, and to advance the group forward. In a perfect world no oath will be broken. We'd like to think that everyone we oath to, will keep their oath to us with the same determination that we keep our own oaths to them.
But this isn't a perfect world, and you can't control whether another person keeps his/her oaths. You can't force them to keep their oaths. You can't make them be someone they aren't. And no matter how hard you work to get to know someone, and make sure they are a person willing and able to faithfully keep their kindred oath...its impossible to really know. (Look at the divorce rate, if you need an example of how hard it is to know if another person will keep their oath).
The only thing we truly control is our own oath. We make our oath, we mean our oath, and we live up to that oath. That's what we control, and that's what's important to focus on. The world is not perfect, and people will disappoint us. When they do, react in a wise and prudent way, and protect yourself and your group from their inability to keep and fulfill their oath.
RECIPROCITY OF OATHS
A kindred oath is a reciprocal oath. Those taking the oath are committing to the group, and to the individual members of that group. Its important to understand that this establishes a web-of-oaths. And these oaths are not one-sided affairs. They are reciprocal in nature.
So, if an oathed member of a kindred is acting in a way that hurts the kindred, and all efforts have been made to address this behavior and correct it...and the oathed member continues to hurt the group, then steps must be taken to protect the group. Cut your losses. Either release the kindred oath...wipe it away as something that was not being kept in a reciprocal fashion, or if appropriate to the situation, declare the oathed member as an oath-breaker. But, the group itself...the kindred...the tribe...it must be protected from those that would hurt it through their own selfish actions.
Releasing an oath in this manner is a last resort, and every effort should be made to maintain the oath...reinforce the oath...and make it clear to the oathed member exactly what they are doing to jeopardize their kindred oath. But its important for the leadership of a tribe, to compartmentalize this problem as it develops.
For instance, if a member of a kindred is not showing up for things, failing in many of their obligations, and they are making risking decisions that are threatening their marriage, and about to bring a full-blown divorce into the midst of a kindred...this is a problem. You don't entrust important duties within the kindred to this problem-member. You don't assign them important responsibilities at a big event your kindred is hosting. You don't expose the soft-underbelly of the kindred to this problem-member. You do what you need to compartmentalize the potential damage this problem-member might to do to the kindred, until such time as that problem has been fixed. Or until they have behaved so badly, that their oath must be released.
This is a complex issue, and we all hope to not go through it at all...or at the very least, not very often. But it happens. Though you are oathed to someone, if someone is not being reciprocal in their oath...and are not holding up their end of the bargain, there comes a time when the tribe is no longer obligated to maintain their end of the bargain. When that time comes, release the oath and cut ties. Remove tribal obligations to the member who will not fulfill their own obligations to the tribe, and its members.
WHY WRITE THIS ESSAY?
One of Jotun's Bane Kindred's growing pains, was working through what you should do when a member breaks their oath to the kindred. Working through what to do when someone cannot or will not fulfill their obligation to our tribe. It was difficult trying to balance holding to our own oaths, while protecting our kindred from the problem-member's actions and decisions. And when we first encountered this, we weren't sure how the whole situation reflected on us as a group. So this was an essay written specifically for this collection of essays.
The bottom line is this. All kindreds and tribes will face growing pains, disappointments, and perhaps drama now and again. The measure of a strong and stable kindred is not the complete lack of these problems. I believe that to be impossible. The measure of a strong and stable kindred is how they deal with these inevitable problems. How they solve them. How they protect their tribe. How they learn from the problems. How they continue to grow and advance. That is the measure of a tribe.
Mark Stinson
Jotun's Bane Kindred
Kansas City Area
heathengods.com
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